So... Both of my sisters are incredibly hung over. I am not. They stayed out all night partying with their friends. I stayed in, read books, and cooked pasta.

It makes me feel awfully lame, but I'm not invited to wild parties that don't happen at Cons. I made my friends and they are not partiers. So, I shouldn't whine about it. I feel left out, but then I dug down to where those feelings came from.

Is being wildly, out of control drunk something I really wanted or could handle last night?
No.

Am I letting the expectations imposed on me by society shape my desires?
Yeah, a bit.

Am I okay with deviating from the norm?
Yeah I think I am.

Is staying in to work an important part of being a writer?
This is what they tell me.

So, there. I might be lame, but lameness in pursuit of a greater goal is worth it. Besides, my sisters don't remember last night and I do.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Okay therapy box, today was what we call a mixed bag. Some things went well, some were fun, some were frustrating, and a few went badly.

The bad first, my sister unilaterally decided that her friends should cook the family dinner, failed to communicate that to people who were something other than terrified of strangers cooking for them and then freaked my Dad out by upsetting his dinner plans. Seriously, if you want a sure fire way to piss off my Dad you mess up his plans to eat. He's a bit like me: neither of us do well if we go too long without eating. His is more psychological, IMHO, but anyway, that was an unmitigated disaster. My youngest sister fled with her friend, conveniently avoiding the important talk my parents need to have with her, I hid behind a book (Gangs of New York, which is like time traveling to the 1920's to take a class on 19th century New York), and my parents just retreated to their room. My sister is really obnoxious when her friends are around. She's a compulsive liar, and it gets really bad when she's in company.

The frustration definitely came from the weather, it's finally cold and snowing, which means the idiots are out on the road. Ten snowflakes means a ten mile per hour decrease in highway speed. I love the cold and snow, even if I'm just now getting warm for the first time in hours.

Part of that chill came from the fun activity: I went kick sledding! Kick sledding is a Swedish thing where you propel a chair on ski sized ice skates around the ice. There was a lack in traction and the ice was a little cracky, but it was super fun. I definitely want to try it again sometime.

I actually did two fun things tonight, because once my sister's friends left we went to see The Muppets. I've been dying to see this movie since forever, but the youngest sister bailed on me at Thanksgiving when we were supposed to go and again at Christmas. I also haven't seen Breaking Dawn, because suddenly she won't go to move theaters. I'm just a wee bit annoyed. Anyway, Muppets was excellent. Full heartedly cheesy.

The things that went well was my visit to my great Aunt's. Apparently I did really well with her and one of her caretakers gave me a job lead. Actual employment. I'd like for it to pan out. Gotta research a bit more, but it could definitely happen.

I can feel my feet again, time to sleep!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

So, right now I need, but can't afford or handle, therapy. I do. I repress everything because I try to pick my battles in real life and maintain my cheerful, generally non-whiny presence online. Well, that and I know that's what my audience wants. I post a tweet about my Great Aunt dying and I get nothing, but when I poke at the grammar in said tweet I get responses. That tells me twitter isn't the place for this, whatever this is. Neither is my blog. Or tumblr. Of Google+. I don't produce content for Facebook. So I've decided to come here, to whine on my livejournal. It's a cliche, but LJ is a less trafficked part of the Internet, and if someone wants to track down this place and throw it in my face, fine. I don't do anything I'm too embarrassed about and the only person I'm really afraid of is my sister, the compulsive liar who throws her sex life all over her blog. So, whatever, I need to vent and so I am going to. And I am going to do it without setting this to private because I want to and I'm one of two people in my immediate family who doesn't abuse any substances. I deserve a vice and excessive self expression seems like an excellent one. Mom, if you find this, stop snooping. Dad, if you do, I'm sorry, but I work out my problems and then put them behind me. Monologuing is part of my process and saying things into a vaccuum isn't working anymore. I'm sorry, but I need to do this.

The thing is, despite the fact that I often feel very selfish, I'm beginning to think that I need to be more so. I need to be the most important thing in my life for a long while, because when I was really selfish in October and November things went well for me, but as soon as I let people in things got bad. I am kind of meant to be a hermit, running on my own schedule and letting my ADHD-riddled brain find the direction. When I do that everything finds its way to being all right and stuff gets done. When I try to do stuff for others, like I've tried to help my youngest sister the last few weeks and my even younger not-really-a-sister before that, it's good for them, but I don't write and I don't get anything done.

I don't know if I'm hyper-focusing or if I just can't deal with letting my real self out in force around my family, but I can't let go and it's tough. I want to try blogging from there when I'm stuck there tomorrow. See if it helps then as much as it did now. Because right now I feel like a weight is lifting from me. It's not gone, but the weight is less than it was. That's better.

Sleep now. More when I have more to share.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.